Self-Help, Obsession, & Pain

If hurt people hurt people, then it seems like there are a lot of people out there hurting right now. Maybe they are hurting due to chronic pain or illness, maybe they are hurting mentally because of a traumatic event(s) in their past, who knows, but there are a lot of people gnashing about like an injured dog that will not let anyone close enough to help, myself included sometimes.

Often people steer clear of the wounded dog out of a sense of self-preservation, reasonably so. This, of course, does no good for the dog, nor does it stop the dog from nipping at people. But, if the dog is lucky, someone will see beauty in this hurt animal, despite the danger. We call these people Animal Rescuers. They are patient, easy, and unprovoked in their response to helping this being that is blinded by pain. Maybe they even get bitten while trying to help. But they persevere, maybe bringing some food and water, maybe trying to clean the wound(s), and eventually the animal finds calm, even trust.

This trust becomes loyalty, love, happiness. If you see someone being mean, ask them sincerely if they are in pain(s). If they are, and you are one of the few that are willing to get bit in the attempt to help, you may very well change that person’s life for the better. And you may find a very loyal friend too.

As a man, I can say that boys often experience a very particular kind of hurt and I can’t help but think we carry this pain with us into adulthood, lashing out in knee-jerk ways, propagating the hurt, and spreading pain unconsciously to others. Traditionally, a boy’s first significant experience outside of the safety and peace of the womb is to have the very sensitive skin of the penis sliced off, and often without anesthetic. Such an unnecessarily cruel act leads to unnecessarily cruel men, in my opinion. These men slowly detach themselves from a world they believe to be painful, out of a sense self-preservation, until they themselves become unsympathetic creators of the same kind of hurt that created them.

But that is only the very beginning of the hurt for boys, isn’t it? From that day forward boys are told to figure things out on their own. They are told to be tough. Now, I think that these are great skills for both men and women to learn but the way boys are often taught, in my experience, is harsh and callous. This yields harsh and callous men when they could be taught to be tough and independent with love, respect, and understanding too. I think this would create strong, creative, understanding and loving men worthy of respect (much of this applies to girls/women too of course).

Strength is revered when fueled by love, and feared when fueled by pain. I believe that the alchemy of changing pain into love requires the feminine; the nurturing, the unconditionally accepting, the act of someone else sincerely caring. I’ve heard it said that sometimes the problem with being strong is that others don’t know when you’re hurting. Maybe they would though if it were more widely understood that that the antidote to hurt isn’t more hurt, fear, threats, or pain, it is a persistent love that can change a snarling beast into a loyal friend. Please if you see someone hurting others, think about it like an Animal Rescuer, help them transform their strength born of fear into a strength forged from love.

Keep growing (spiritually, emotionally, financially, intellectually, etc) because abundance determines how much you can give. Where you are bored or dissatisfied with life is probably where you have abundance but you are not giving it away to those who are lacking. It’s great when you do this because you will notice what it is like for someone to feel grateful for something that you’ve been taking for granted. Figure out where you have abundance and give it to those that don’t. This is a powerful way to improve other people while improving your self.

What question keeps popping up in your mind uninvited?

This is important because questions yield answers, and answers impact how you feel about the world. Change the questions you ask yourself and the new answers will make you feel differently about life’s circumstances. Re-evaluate the uninvited questions so that you can design questions that give you the answers that will make your life better.

Rejection breeds obsession. You will find that what drives many day-to-day decisions and feelings are based upon the obsessions/rejections you have experienced, and your knee-jerk responses to them. However, obsession is not love. Love is acceptance, and unconditional love is unconditional acceptance. So, if it is true that you encourage what you tolerate then how do accept love without accepting the shitty hurt from rejection?

Clearly that’s not love, that’s abuse. You likely didn’t deserve the rejection(s), even though your obsession(s) may have eventually turned the negative(s) into a positive. The only thing you can control, if barely, is your focus. You do have the ability to wrestle your focus away from your obsession, if you want it bad enough. So while it isn’t necessarily easy, it is possible. So then fight, with everything you’ve fucking got, to maintain focus upon what YOU are grateful for and what YOU know makes you happy. But do you even know?

Your obsession is armor. It is rejection pushed past the point of callouses. But you must remove your armor or it will begin to smell. And love is permissive, it cannot enter your heart with your armor on. This is the challenge of unconditional love. It is a meditation that almost everyone fails, when they could succeed IF they just deliberately practiced maintaining this sort of feeling at all times, even during difficulties.

These obsessions are usually selfish endeavors, but selfishness is for children. It is our job to help children learn to balance the selfishness that they are entitled to, as all human beings are, with the adult joy of helping others. Unfortunately, most of us weren’t taught this as children so many of us become grown-up children (e.g., many adults still throw tantrums, play the blame game, don’t help, etc.).

So our task is to heal our childhood so the adult-self will appear in our life. Your obsessions may be stealing away this focus upon love and healing. You are strong, and it explains why you are still here on this Earth reading this long-winded Facebook post right now. You can do this. I believe in you, and I may not even know you. Now all you have to do is earn your own trust by believing in yourself and PROVING it every day.